Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. I’m asleep somewhere, but it is an unfamiliar place–it is not my bed. My underwear and the underwear of other women surround me. I am screaming for help, for my life, but there is no answer—just a FLASH of light and a slow stream of water/vodka/diamonds/urine cutting my neck, filling my lungs.
I feel as though thousands of people are looking at me, but I can’t see them. They are looking at me for fun, out of boredom, for pleasure and they want to be with me. They are jealous of me. They hate me. They want to know/be me, or someone like me or be somewhere that is just like this. I don’t know how to tell them that it’s not as fun as it looks. I don’t know how to tell them I’m not real. I don’t know how to tell them this is just a dream.
I’m exposed. I feel naked. I did this to myself, or maybe someone has done this to me.
Suddenly, I wake up.
Thank God. I knew it was a dream. I’m alive. I’m here to party. I’m ready for the next EVENT. I feel so silly/embarrassed for being so scared/taking that so seriously. It was just nothing, it was just fun and games. No one REALLY wants to hurt me.
A kind tranny gives me some monies and a small mysterious white gift for my troubles. Is this for my asthma? Is it drugs? Is it some pretty baubles? My friend is happy for me. I am happy for her. We both are getting out of here OK. I decide I would do this/dream this again. I want to feel loved/alive.