FOUND SECRET SOLICITATION POEMS

By BRBY | March 30, 2009

I just finished watching Dr. Phil today about THE DARK SIDE OF THE INTERNET. It was about everyday girls that find themselves prostituting themselves on craigslist, cause its like sooo easy to do it there.

The INTERNET can be a dark and scary place. It can be a place of sexual predators, neo nazis and terrorists and hackers. But even in this darkness, there is light. Here are a few of some found “illustrated poems” I found while searching the erotic ads on craigslist. (I think it is much easier to show found poems than try to write your own because then you’re not accountable for when they suck).

Found poem #1
The psuedo rhyming sweetcheeks 

Why settle for less? 
You deserve the best. 
Treat yourself to a Top Notch Beautiful Snowbunny! 
Who provides top quality companionship. 
I’m classy, sweet, and always discrete!! 
Available all night and day! Available Now! 
So stop wasting time and call me now !!!

 

snowbutty

snowbutty

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Found poem #2–short and to the point
Your best friend’s crazy mom pre/post/during rehab 

 

CAN I LET ? MMMMMMMMMMMM 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Found poem #3
hot glamour portrait lady of the  80s trying to reclaim youth via getting paid for sexual encounters OR a 50 year old dude who thought these pics would draw straight men to him.

Hello Gentlemen, 
Ready to take a journey of sensual delights? Then I’m your girl! I am an upbeat, friendly, no-attitude type of woman. Isn’t that refreshing? 
I am a registered, private duty nurse, who is also skilled in offering a Tantric massage. I specialize in ‘the sacred spot’, that ’she’ won’t touch!  
My home is clean, with parking, a shower for you, and lots of hugs from a woman who knows how to ‘treat you like a king!’ 

 

Found poem #4
THE REAL DEAL/deep metaphorical poem. This woman is so excited to fuck u she can barely contain her horniness via her type. She also references deeper meanings (”John”, Alice in Wonderland) to stir your mind.

 

I am an upscale woman who enjoys pamper men who respect me and pamper me too. 
NO SPECIALS PLEASE……You know what is fair and I will give you the world…g…f…e.. 
I am in the 2 range… 
so if you are in my range call me….. 
Time for a good change… 
Life is good… 
Please be an employed individual or a trust fund gent who doesn’t cry over everything going on…. 
I WILL TOUCH YOU IN ALL THOSE PLACE W

HERE YOU NEED IT… 
I AM REALLY…REALLY….GOOD…….. 
AND YOU ARE NOT TREATED LIKE A “JOHN” THOSE GIRLS/WOMAN ARE AWFUL…”HEY BABY OR HI FELLAS” 
give me a break……..!!!!!! 
YOU CANNOT REALLY GO FOR THAT!!! anyway I am a real ALICE IN WONDERLAND….. 
don’t figure me out because you can’t… 
And that is what make me ALPHA beautiful……NIPPLES! 
love you, 
GWB, 
ANN….
p.s. I am a beautiful woman………so if you like woman and not little girls like your daughters then call me!

 

not like ur daughter

not like ur daughter

 

 


Posted in advertisements, art n music | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

PEREZ HILTON MAKES ME HORNY

By BRBY | March 29, 2009

 

oo ya

oo ya

AN ODE TO PEREZ HILTON

Perez (Mario),

when i see you, i get kind of horny.
i kno ur gay, but it doesn’t stop me from fantasizing about u.
ur so powerful. celebs at ur mercy.
when i see ur picture  i take off my top.
i asked this jesus guy to FEEL ME (he represents u as a christ figure in the blogosphere)
but i wish it was you.
i wish ud feel me. and scribble pixeled jizz on my face.
i wish ud blog about me. and make me out to be a whore/tramp/saint
i want u to pretend u KNO ME, just like i feel like i kno u

perezmario–im wondering if u have a real life. one u can call ur own. without ur blog.
does it involve me?
will we have to wake up at 6am every morning to get the latest celeb news?
will we have to stay up partying all nite with the celebs we hate?

i will come with u when u dye ur hair again.
ill be there when sluttyienna/avril spits in ur face. 
we’ll have a 3some with zaquisha and rpatz
we can promote new musical artists. 
ill help you shed those last 20 pounds (u look great lately btw, fuck the haters who call u a fat slob)

i do it for you.
i will p nasty.
i will

<3 barby

Posted in GUYS, brby | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

luvz when advertisers make high art references. and it’s like, I GET IT.

By BRBY | March 26, 2009

I get really excited when I feel like mainstream or slightly alternative companies are tapping into my core knowledge and love for high culture and fine art. It’s like they’re PAYING ATTENTION and finally realizing who they’re main audience is (me). It’s like a silly inside joke that only WE get (me and the advertisers). It makes me feel like I am in an INNER LOOP and I should reward my peer/comrade/fellow intellectual by buying these stretchy pants.

 

dan flav between my vag

dan flav between my vag

This am app “ad” is funny because it’s a comment on how Dan Flavin’s light sabers are really just penis glow sticks.

here i am just a glow penis

here i am just a glow penis

Us girls gravitate towards this art because they feel/look like a huge cock just bursting with bright white jizz. The am app ad addresses those issues by having a model pose with the light saber between her legs. Dan Flavin came at a time just before women artists started coming onto the scene. It was a time of light saber battles, when only men could compete for the title of ultimate artist.

We have taken down the glowstick from the gallery walls. We have put it to its true use–as a comfort object between my legs. This says a lot about art. It says a lot about the male domination in art history and where my place as a woman is IN IT.

Posted in advertisements, art n music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

THE GOAL OF THIS BLOG IS TO GET ME INTO A SMARTCAR SCAVENGER HUNT

By BRBY | March 25, 2009

I admire people who have managed to sleep/fuck/take photos/get PHOTO’ED enough to be able to make a living off of just that. It means you are a person who deserves to be watched, you’re someone who I find interesting. Found this via NYLON. I am glad at least this mag has money to give to these “freelance” workers they found on the internet.

 

For my 18th birthday my parents bought be a SCION. It couldn’t go over 50 MPH but it had a really loud stereo that flashed a lot of different colors. It was made for me. I couldn’t go fast and kill myself but I could JAM. 

SMARTCAR is smart. They know they need to cater to a group of people who are a little bit too anxious to want to go really FAST or be really BIG (aka white trash in a hummer/sportsy car). The alternative market–yea we’re a little scared. We’re tot nerv about global warming. We’re nerv about dying in a war we have ‘no business being in.’ But ultimately, we realize there ARE solutions to these problems. There’s ways to assuage our anxiety. One is by buying an eco friendly car. 

But this car still has to be FUN. It has to be WILD in a way that won’t actually compromise my safety. I think it succeeds.

thnk u
–brby

ps–kind of confused as to who ‘mark hunter’ is?

Posted in advertisements | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

LUV 2 POO 4 U

By BRBY | March 23, 2009

You found me outside the potty/party. Maybe you thought I was sexy. Maybe you thought I was COOL.

I went into the potty with you. I don’t know why. Maybe because you had a camera. Maybe because you told me I was SEXY and COOL.

At first, I was a bit lost. It was smelly but I wasn’t too uncomfortable. I was excited. I just wanted to give you a tease/sexy pic for your website. I wasn’t quite sure who I was. I was pretending to be who I thought you thought I should. I wanted to be like all those other girls.

But then you got me to LOOSEN UP. I wanted to be vulnerable for you. I wanted to be sexy in the way that only I AM. I didn’t care that there was poo/beer/throwup/piss on the floor of this portapotty. I didn’t care that you could see the construction of my makeshift garter belt. I wanted to be real. I put my drink aside and let you HAVE ME.

can u smell me now?

can u smell me now?

Maybe my sexiness in this reeks like poo. Maybe you can put the poo aside and just see me as I am. I’ll never wash these hands. They touched a floor that helped me become who I am. I hope I’ve left my (skid)mark on ur website. I hope you remember me forever as THE GIRL WHO LET IT ALL GO IN THE POTTY AT SXSW 2009.

I wasn’t afraid to be sexy that night. I was just afraid to be ME.

Posted in grl power | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

WHO AM I?

By BRBY | March 20, 2009

I enjoy being young and single. But sometimes I wonder–why don’t I have a boyfriend? Is it me? Is it guys? I’m not sure. 

I’m thankful for this new show that will tell me what it is I am doing wrong and how to finally land that man of my dreams.

 

sup

sup

I think the casting producer did a really good job on this show. There’s really a wide variety of women with different kinds of problems that I can relate to. Watching the first episode, I was wondering which woman with an issue am I? If I figure this out, I can figure out how to get someone in my life who loves me for me.

Am I Natasha?

Natasha never gets noticed. Guys don’t even remember if they met her. I can relate to that. Sometimes I get so shy I just want to disappear. Her problem is that she dates “bad guys”/guys with issues so she can fix them and make that better. I think I do that too, but only as an art project. It still doesn’t lead to marriage though when the ART is done. They usually get pretty pissed.

Or maybe I am Arian.

Arian is a slut. She has slept with 100 men. This is because she used to be smart but her dad never loved her for it so she doesn’t trust men but still craves short lived intimacy via sexual exploits. I’m not sure if this is me because I’m only half way to 100 but I GET HER. 

Ok so not Arian. Maybe STASHA?

 

i will eat u alive

too small, goodbye

She is the BALLBUSTER. She tells men, baby ur dick is too small or u r too fat. I like her honesty but she looks kind of scary, I am not sure if this could be me. Sometimes I feel like a BALLBUSTER when I VOICE MY OPINION or DISAGREE with a guy I know but ultimately I shutup because I just want them to like me.

Abiola

 

losing faith ;\

losing faith ;"

Abiola seems really nice and genuine. She is just PICKY. So picky that sometimes she goes ONE YEAR without having sex. This is closer to me. I’m just a nice girl/woman/lady and I know I am smart and amazing but guys do not live up to my standards. Maybe they are intimidated by my greatness. Sometimes it gets lonely at the top though esp when I wish I had someone to pleasure me besides myself. 

Ok now we are getting close. JESSA

 

googlestalker

googlestalker

I can really relate to Jessa AKA FATAL ATTRACTION because she is a stalker. Sometimes you like/love someone SOOO much you just want to know all about them–esp who they are on THE INTERNET. A lot of times I assess men on how many hits come up for them on google, esp compared with men with the same name. And are their hits above those other men with the same name or do I have to scroll down to the very end to get to their high school soccer championship?

Also Jessa likes to text her men a lot. I understand this too. Sometimes, even though we can’t be with one another, it’s still important to let your man know you CARE via texting/twittering/facebook commenting/tagging etc. You need to let him and everyone else in ur web life KNO just how important/valuable this person is to you.

I think in the end I am 15% Natasha, 5% Stasha, 2% Arian, 20% Abiola and 48% Jessa. 

This will help me assess my problem. I have to be MORE CONFIDENT and SMILE. Be KINDER AND GENTLER. Stop SLEEPING AROUND to cure my men hangups. LOWER MY STANDARDS. And start GOOGLING MYSELF, so that I can love my own google profile, and not someone else’s.

Posted in GUYS, MNSTRM MEDIA, brby | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

PORN, ART OR CYBER DEBRIS?

By BRBY | March 19, 2009

I TROLL youtube a lot.  I love to watch videos of people I don’t know trying to get attention or reaching out for help/guidance/money. I see a lot of dance videos. I see a lot of lip syncing videos. It is rare that I see a video like this that transcends its genre of youngster/fat/crazy person dancing and lip syncing to beyonce/britney/lifehouse. 

But here is one.

This video TRANSCENDS its genre because I can’t tell if it is a comment about girls too young who are SHAKING THEIR ASSES online, or if it is some kind of pedophiliac fetish vid or if it is just a piece of trash vid that a babysitter posted of this cute girl, trying to get her famous/appear on dr. phil/TYRA. I am just wondering where that line is.

I am also happy this video utilized non top-40 music. For me, that says a lot about who this little girl is. She is a little bit WILD, a little bit WACKY, not going to just SHAKE IT to britney spears like every other 4 year old. She is really IN TOUCH with who she is. She combines modern emotional dancing with contemporary pop moves–I’m pretty sure she is a post dance dancer. I am also glad she will grow up knowing how to already WORK IT for the camera. We all need to be prepared to look really good on video if we’re going to succeed in life.

It also makes me wonder if SHAKING UR BUTT is innate or learned. Did little Chelsea see someone else SHAKE IT or is it just in us to SHAKE IT from birth? I want to know why I SHAKE IT. 

I am pretty excited to see the sequel…CHELSEA GONE _________. Wonder what that will be about.

Posted in art n music, grl power | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

THIS IS MY LIFE

By BRBY | March 17, 2009

I saw this on Perez and it scared me. I think it is easy for people just to see a mass of people here and not see the individual. It is easy for us to look at these pixelated blobs and say, wow how crazy. Or, stupid chicks. Or OMG, can’t believe how effed up our society is. 

When I look at that video I see my life flashing before my eyes. I am just a girl/woman. I have lived my life, competing with other women to be ON TOP. I always feel like I’m in a crowd of women, just like me and we’re all waiting for this chance—to be ON TOP. Maybe I’m at the back of the line. Maybe I’m about to get in the door. But at some point someone yells BOMB and we all freak out. We’re all racing to get out of this nitemare/potential death scene. No one saw us  at all before. People can see us now. We have become a viral vid. But they still don’t see…ME. I’m in there somewhere, but no one knows it.  We’re something people despise, something people laugh at, something people pity/scorn. 

In the end, the gates go back up. We’re back to waiting in line to be ON TOP. That little blip, that small revolution/freak out/wave of panic is forgotten for sanity’s sake.

Posted in brby | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

I WANT TO GROW UP TO BE A MUMMY

By BRBY | March 15, 2009

 

 

 

When I grow up, I want to be a MUMMY. Before the Feminist movement, it was just assumed that all girls would grow up to be moms. In the 70s and 80s, women weren’t allowed to JUST WANT TO BE MOMS anymore. When we said what we wanted to be, we had to say like, doctor, or president or astronaut…maybe even ballerina would do.

Now we’re back to it being COOL to say, when I grow up, I just want to be a MOM. That is a worthy and full time job. I am confused. Sometimes I feel like the girl in this pic. I don’t want a job, be a MOMMY or DOCTOR. I just want to be a MUMMY. I want to wrap myself up and die but really live forever via my image. 

Hopefully I can be a sexy MUMMY. 

I won’t have to live and make choices about what role I am supposed to play in life. I will live an insignificant life. When archaeologists find my body in 2020 I will be revered solely for being an awesome mummy/the only one they could find, a la king Tut.

we will call u great because the really great ones r lost 4ever

I’m glad I feel I’ve finally found a career path that fits me/is unique/won’t have any guilt/shame about. There will be touring exhibitions of all the shit they buried me with. My Macbook, my clogs, my thesis, my tomato plants, my vegan cookbook, my vibrator. I will be Queen Tituncommon–my left breast still exposed. I just want to become something more than myself. I want to be more than just a girl/woman/doctor/mom.

Posted in brby, grl power | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN

By BRBY | March 14, 2009

I hate it when guys think I can’t do something just because I’m a girl/woman. Even though I am a woman, I can MOVE SHIT, I can CARRY THINGS, I can MOW THE LAWN, I can even TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE (barely though, it’s pretty heavy sometimes). 

I think this mentality is really changing though. People are learning women are just as STRONG/FAST/AGILE/SPEEDY as men.

This picture is a testament to my strength. Maybe I have boobs and a frilly thong but I still have MUSCLES. I can also be silly (sometimes being silly is reserved just for guys, sooo not fair). The dude behind me is cheering me on. YES YOU CAN. YES YOU CAN. He’s taking this picture to show that to everyone. I love him for that.

YES WE CAN LADIES, YES WE CAN. 

Posted in grl power, health + beauty | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment